Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
