yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Randomize
