Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
