It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
