My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
