I bet he comes in French.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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