I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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