HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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