Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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