yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
