why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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