The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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