I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
