I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
