so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
