Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
