Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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