better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
