She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
