he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
