I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
