And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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