moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
