you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
