just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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