the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
