I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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