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omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
