So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
