I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
