I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
