you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
