i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
