if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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