When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just blew my weed a kiss
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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