Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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