And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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