So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
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I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
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That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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