mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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