I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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