I think I won the penis lottery.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
