I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
