Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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