She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
