I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
