She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
