My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
