Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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