i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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