he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
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I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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