He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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