i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
