theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
