I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
