i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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