Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
