i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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