my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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