First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
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I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
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You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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